Scenes From Consumer Life
Here is a unique picture of a team of sceptical rationalists carrying out an Animal Eugenics experiment sponsored by Magonia magazine. The Editor of this magazine, the Brentford Polonius, is on the extreme left of the picture wearing his Brentford Gauleiter uniform.
Dr. Tonto (second from the left) is helping to perform an Anal Dilation Reality Test on von Braun, a large terrier found howling outside Brentford Leisure Centre. Young (relatively speaking) Mark Pilkington (the Deep Penetrator) can be seen in the locked cage to the right. He was sentenced to one day on bread and water for having confessed to a passing belief in metaphor whilst he was young (relatively speaking).
This experiment is designed to see if any devilish Intercourse has been practiced upon the animal, and is a perfect example of the connection between Consumer Ideology and the religious science of Colonic Irrigation. We chose not to publish photographs of this test on human beings out of respect for both patients, their families, and our readers.
The latest information is that the dog was suspected of trying to enter whitewashed chapels and piss on the undecorated altars. He was also said to be inordinately fond of incense and Latin chants. It is claimed that he made denials of the principles of economic determinism, and that he hated scientific assessment of anything at all.
Happy to say, after treatment, the dog was found free of all satyrs and nymphs, goat-foot beings, naiads, succubae, and all women with wings. The bearded man (fourth from the left) is the Strutting Tuffty, Editor of the Fortean Times, a magazine dedicated to proper factual assessment of all and everything. He has has just been anally dilated but still shows signs of belief in UFOs, the paranormal, magic, occultism and metaphysical nonsense of all kinds. In the name of science and objective truth, these tests will continue until the anus of both body and mind of both men and animals has been cleansed of all such dangerous nonsense.
This is a typical modern-realistic Marxist-Leninist psycho-sceptical group. It has survived by virtue of the same kind of English miracle which has preserved the Royal Family, Morris Dancing, Michael Parkinson's castration, and Michael Barrymore's innocence. The Brentford Polonius (the anti-folklore terrorist, founder of the Anal Dilation for Factual Truth Campaign) on the extreme right, The young woman in the centre background is Dr. Higgs from the Fortean Times alien/UFO/anomaly Disinfestation Team. She contributed financially to the Project, officially termed the Anti-Fantasy Intellectual Eugenics Programme for the New Century.
Another dog has recently been brought in by the research team. This animal (one Stradivarius, a forlorn mastiff found wandering near Brentford Gas Works) was chosen because he had been seen pissing on both a Lutheran Bible and a facsimile of the Pope's Ring on exhibition in the Quorn Mycoprotein Sausage Deli in Brentford Leisure Centre.
Mr Prod, (who describes himself as a professional Yorkshireman) says that such dangerous animal schizophrenia must be investigated and a cure found before such devilish viruses as UFOs enter the consumer chains of both mind and body and disconnects all the pre-set advertisements of the psyche. Should that happen, both conscious and unconscious Prime Time will dissolve and result will be a disaster that will make a nuclear holocaust appear mild by comparison.
Dr. Tonto says that a serious scientific solution is urgently needed to stop such things as the UFO virus spreading. Already there are rumours that the first victims of this new sociological panic have been detected. They have been found in the middle of the afternoon with curtains drawn, watching pirated videos of the Plantpot Men, Cliff Richard films, BBC 1 newsreels from the 1970s, and ESN British Communist films about the everlasting suffering of the everlasting peasantry in the north of England. In these films there is much use of black and white "grainy" shots to show sociologically the misery and cloddish social truth and reality of the poor peasantry with their bent backs, gnarled sociological hands and burnt-out Ford Cortinas on bricks in the front garden.
George Mensche comments:
"Prompted by interest in the above, I was commissioned recently by the Combat Diaries of the New Fortean Times to write a series of articles on Patterns of Belief and Culture in modern Britain.
My first visit was to the Department of Social Scientific Mind, Media, and Folklore of Brentford Polytech Garage University. Experimental work is being carried on here to try and extend the power and range of the celebrated Anal Dilation Reality Test, This unique Reality Test is the creation of the noted communist psycho-medical social-scientific realist, Dr. Marietta ("just the plain facts") Higgs. After her retirement some years ago, her unique work was continued by Dr. Tonto of Sheffield Hallam University and his assistant, Mr. Prod of no university at al.
Whilst my taxi bounced along a cart-track worthy of Darkest Africa, I read an intriguing Prospectus describing Degrees in lawn-mowing, Naval coiffeur, Youth-Hostel Laundry-Management, and a part-time two-year course in Techniques of Gay Counselling for Poor Disabled Ethnic Social Workers.
My reading was interrupted by a snarl from my driver, who refused to take me any further, saying it was “too dangerous.”
Looking at the Brentford Garage University landscape, I could see his point. I made my way carefully by deep holes. mud-pits, and the vast antique ruination of sites abandoned long ago.
The collective bankruptcy of generations stood around me under the rising moon. I had seen East Germany after the Soviet collapse, where everywhere and everything was covered by layer after layer of ancient rust of historical devastation, but I had not seen anything like the Campus of Brentford University.
The first sign of life was a collection of forlorn waifs and strays queuing by a mobile fish-and-chip van. This vehicle came complete with a pantomime-crooked black chimney, and the finest set of burst tyres this side of Baghdad.
A cursing and sweating couple toiled beneath a revolving fluorescent sausage on the roof of the van. This threw a pinkish rainbow glow over the surrounding moonscape, turning the ruins into grottoes from the ghost-train rides of the old seaside fairgrounds. Three or more such vans could be seen in the distance, with similar spinning sausages. Lacking money for a canteen, I was told that here were the feeding arrangements for the students.
As they pushed and shoved in the trailing queues, every single one of these knowledge-seekers jawed into mobile phones, the spare ear being blasted with every piece of music since Rock n' Roll was born.
To me it was a miracle how, juggling bags of fish and chips, CD players and mobile they jumped over pits, made their way through barbed-wire entanglements, avoided vandalised trucks and overturned bulldozers. All and sundry avoided also the cooking-fires of the equally dangerous Gypsy camps dotted around. the Campus.
The light of several what appeared to be rubbish fires revealed a deep and wide mud-track beaten smooth by both bare and sandaled feet. This led towards the Site Payout Vehicle of the Department of Social Security.
The powerful beam of a searchlight mounted in a turret on top of this tank-like vehicle moved slowly to and fro along a line of Giro penitents as they screamed abuse at their free Salvation Army sandwiches. Inside the vehicle, Asian clerks cowered behind slits of 3-inch-thick armored glass.
Flanked by a burnt-out McDonalds and a long line of abandoned canvas loos straight from the Somme Offensive stood a stature of Dr. Marietta Higgs, covered almost completely in graffiti and disintegrating posters
The searchlight, the bonfires, and the flashes from the psychedelic sausages turned her matron-like face and figure into a magnificent son et lumiere. She smoked and flamed and sparked as torn fragments of ancient posters smoked and flamed, caught alight by the sparks from innumerable bonfires. With a dustbin perched on top of her head, one eye socket painted brilliant red, she was a voodoo-doll moving in the infernal blast of the fish-and-chip wind like a soul in eternal torment.
Thus celebrated was Higgs, the unofficial Patron Saint of the Department of Mind, Media and Folklore. and pioneer of the Anal Dilation Reality Test. This test was to used to try and find out if orphans and foundlings had been sexually violated by folklore ritualists, Wiccans, and what many Marxist-Leninists social workers called “New Age devils.”
According to the theory of Dr. Higgs, if the anus had been penetrated by a Satanist, then once merely touched by a probe, this organ would open like a Chinese flower dropped into water.
I thought of this quite remarkable idea whilst I searched for a person who spoke English. I was led finally to Freedom House, the main office of the Correctional Institute by a Somali using sign language.
On a notice board, I took note of a rather desperate plea from the local Brentford Neighbourhood Watch for rifles and ammunition."
Part 2 to follow