The Nigerian Letters
One of the best-kept secrets in the world is the work of what is known as the Nigerian Team (called by the Looney Left “PBB,” or Pseudo Black British). They have an office at the side of Magonia magazine in Brentford Leisure Centre.
The Team consists of illegal Nigerian immigrants who of course receive much liberal assistance from UK Social Security. Unbeknown to this Agency, they spend their time pouring out a deluge of letters that go all over the world asking people for permission to send vast amounts of money to them.
Below is a typical letter.
Dear Friend,
How are you today, hoping all is well. I read your mail and they contents well understood. Mr. Abdul Usman is not my AGENT rather he is in international remittance department here in Lagos Nigeria. I was surprised you received a form signed without your information. (Really?) For our own good please do not fill anything on that form, may be it was not meant for you. I have decided to take my time and go to Abuja Nigeria our federal capital on your behalf to make sure that an appropriate form is send to you because I don’t want anything that will delay this payment at this time. Also I will apply for the Anti- terrorist certificate there, the official charge for all the foreign contractors is $1420 USD. (Why?)You will try and send the money latest on Monday so that I can leave immediately. I want to assist you based on our relationship, because my expenses, flight ticket I will take care of that. Please if anybody send you any document please do let me know immediately. I believe you are going to smile home at the end of the day. Be steadfast in your prayers and please pray for my smooth journey.
Once more,
send the money Mr Jude Nwachukwu through western Union money transfer and
send the information through my mail so that I can hand over to him as soon
as I get there.
Test question: what Color
Ans: Orange.
Try as
soon as possible so that I can summit the certificate and a copy shall be
sent to you which you will present to your bank on the day of remittance.
May God guide you in all your way.
I await your response.
Dr Alex (Brother)
During the day, almost all the Team work as all Traffic Wardens and Parking Attendants. But during the evening, along with several score others, they write the Nigeria Letters, some few dozen dossing down eventually on the floor of the Leisure Centre Ballroom. That may not sound like much, but it is a lot better than some gods-forsaken parts of the earth where no-one would go under threat of murder or mutilation, such as the Congo, Baghdad, or a Blackpool boarding house.
Hazards
Living in the Leisure Centre in such a manner is not of course without its hazards. The Nigerians are flanked left and by right by the offices both of Magonia magazine, and the Fortean Times, the latter known otherwise as the British Sceptical Enquirer. This means social intercourse with Quorn-programmable sceptical junkies of varying degrees of DSM, this being Deteriorating Sceptical Melancholia, sometimes referred to by the Nigerians as the Sieveking Dirge, or the Strutting Tuffty Abba-Dabba.
The Nigerians sit directly above the Quorn Milk Dispensary like high-tech mediaeval monks. They write in an English form described by Leisure Centre Quorn Control Police as “Giro Mock-Heroic Namibia Car-Park.”
Recently the Nigerians witnessed an astonishing thing. A sceptical Magonian was taken up like a Roman Candle by the Brentford Rapture. This sceptical hero, a victim of induced MBC (Magonian Belief Crisis), went straight up through the Sunshine Roof, quite astonishing a section of the Luton Girl’s choir who were practising nearby. He shot past the last Poodle Parlour in merry England, leaving his collapsed pyjamas by the side of his loved one.
Crisis
Thereupon occurred a crisis of identity within the Nigerian group, and many succumbed to SM (Sceptical Melancholia), and DC (Doubt Cholic), the AIDS of the sceptical world. As with AIDS, the same arguments applied – was this a metaphysical virus, or was it manufactured, to consume only sceptics and did it species-jump to Nigerian traffic wardens? Some said it was merely a matter of eating too many Quorn TV Dinners. Others say that Quorn food is part of an alien conspiracy.
Rather like Methadone substitute for heroine, scientists have devised a synthetic Quorn substitute for raw Quorn essence, called simply Quorn Downer or Quorn Upper. The ingestion of this after a Quorn attack enables a victim to have at least some kind of control over the motions of his mental and physical state. The amounts of Downer or Upper have to be carefully measured otherwise a victim might end up paused between levitations and come down with a bang. This is the reason from so many mattresses strewn around the floor of the Leisure Centre, changed regularly by the local Department of Health.
This base essence is the same for all Quorn food sold by the Brentford Leisure Centre. Whether it is ham or cheese, jam, or mince pies, these things are spun from fungus (synthetic in itself) which gives rise to the highs and lows which cause so many social problems.
The levitation described previously can gibe rise to religious interpretations, such as the concept of Rapture.
The effect of Q-D (Quorn Downer) and Q-U (Quorn Upper) has had a starnge effect on the quality of the letters written by the Nigerians. For examples of recently written letters.
They now effect different persona, different countries, and a rather sentimental style intermodulates with direct demands that the vast amounts mentioned should be delivered to investment accounts as soon as possible.
Abuse
But these poor Nigerians are much abused. Here are sample of the replies they get to their letters, showing neither respect nor thanks, offering no friendly follow or even interest in the fantatsic offers they have had.
From: Mr Qian Zhilin
Date: 11/22/05 23:10:30
Subject: *** SPAM *** OFFICIAL MAIL FROM QIAN ZHILIN
FROM THE DESK OFQIAN ZHILIN,
11 Nongzhanguan Nanli,
Chaoyang Qu,
Beijing, China.
Dear Freind,
I am Qian Zhilin,Executive director project, of the MINISTRY OF
AGRICULTURE, CHINA. Through my search in the internet ,I got your email
address and after due verication with my colleagues,I decided to
forward to you this business proposal in anticipation that
you may be in position to assist/handle this business with me.
We want a reliable person,
I am not reliable.
who could assist us in receiving funds
I will assist by reporting you to the Brentford Police immediately.
resulted from
I like your English. Real-time parking-ticket Bradford do-do Islamabadic. Do you have a passport?
over invoiced bills
You mean stolen, you illegal little bastard
from contracts awarded under the
budget allocation for MINISTRY OF AGRICULTURE
Brentford has no such ministry. Rippoff? I think so.
These bills had been approved for
payment by the concernd ministry.
They were “concernd” already?
The contracts had been
executed,
You mean the people have been executed, you slitty-eyed Communist piece of shit.
commissioned and the contractors had been paid their actual
contractual sums.
That's not what they say. They say you have pinched the lot.
What we are about to receive
Mafia expression for excecution
from one of the
contractors and under the protocol division
The what?
as civil servants
as what?
we are
forbiden to operate or own foreign accounts,
Forbidden? You mean you are chased from ass to breakfast time by Interpol
this is why am soliciting
Yeah well we all have bad times, sonshine. Get a down-and-out brassiere grant from Ken Livingstone
your assistance in this manner. On our part, all modalities
Our what?
had been worked
You've never worked in your life, you smooth Nigerian ponce-doctor's clerk.
out in ensuring a smooth transaction.
Please if you are interested forward to us your full contact details as
requested below. Thanks in advance
And the same to you. Now go and pluck some cocnuts for your breakfast
please fill in the blank spaces
below:
1 Your Full Names:....Bollock Brain.................................................
2 Direct Phone...........You haven't invented wheel yet, never mind the phone..
3 Your Full Contact address..The Mud Hut Swaziland c/o Mablethorpe C-Op..........
4 State/Country....Basildon DSS Mortuary....................................................
5 Company name...More Giros for Illegals..............................................
As soon as you indicate your interest, further instructions will be
passed on to you
I am ejaculating already.
on the procedure that we will follow in accomplishing
this deal. On accomplishment of this deal you will be entitled to 10% of the total sum.
and this transaction is 100% risk free
Yeah, like I am dead on receipt. I can't wait for my accomplishments.
Go chew on some bamboo and screw a water buffalo, or whatever you marry down there.
If this proposal
is accepted by you, kindly reach me immediately via
e-mail:qian_zhilin100@yahoo.com.hk
Qian Zhilin
Best Regard
**
From: Colin Bennett
Date: 11/23/05 00:36:48
To: stephenayling@latinmail.com
Subject: Re: PROPOSITION
-------Original Message-------
From: STEPHEN AYLING
Date: 11/22/05 21:28:25
To: s_ayling@hotmail.com
Subject: PROPOSITION
Dear Friend,
Greetings to you.
I wish to accost you with a request
I am not a male prostitute
that would be of immense benefit to both
of us.
I very much doubt it.
Being an executor of wills, it is possible that we may be tempted to
make fortune out of our client's situations,
You surprise me, sir.
when we cannot help it, or left
with no better option.
than fraud?
The issue I am presenting to you is a case of my
client who willed
Triumph of the Will
a fortune to his next-of-kin. It was most unfortunate that
he and his next-of-kin died on the same day the 31st October 1999 in an
Egyptian airline 990 with other passengers on board.
The phrase "Egyptian airline" is always most reassuring
You can confirm this
from the website below which was published by BBC WORLD NEWS.
WEBSITE.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/502503.stm.
I am now faced with confusion
In the face of your confusion, I suggest you stuff it up your ass.
of who to pass the fortune to.
According to the English law,
English law? I thought you were in bongo-bongo land.
the fortune is supposed to be bequeathed to the government,if nobody comes forward
as the next of kin within seven years of the demise of the benefactor of the will.
My purpose of contacting you is to seek your acting as the beneficiary of the will,
You are asking me to participate in a fraud?
and lay claim to the
legacy of $7million, which my deceased client bequeathed to his
next-of-kin. For now, I alone know about his will, as my client had great
confidence in me.
Yes, I can imagine that.
Everything will be left between you and I.
That's fantastic. I will tell the police immediately
The share would be 25% for you
and 75% for me.
I want more than that.
I would want to give a huge part of my share to the tsunami
victims,
No way.
as this is my primary objective.
You lying bastard.
All I have to do is amend the will or add a
codicil to make you the beneficiary to the $7million legacy.
That's a good idea since you do not know my name.
Again, I feel that you may apprehensive
You can say that again, sunshine
and consider this amount too big for
you to defend.
I have to fucking defend it?
It does not matter, as there are documents to back it up.
Yes, I bet there are
This is a legacy being passed on to a next-of-kin.
You've already got a sucker? What do you want two for?
As I am not very sure of
getting your consent on the issue
I wonder what makes you think that?
I prefer not to divulge my full identity
I don't blame you. I prefer not to divulge mine.
so as not to risk being disbarred.
disbarred? On my calculation you'll get at least five years for theft and another ten for Grand Larceny, all in a concrete pen in Bulawayo. Make sure you've got plenty of Evian and a pair of cast-iron underpants.
The English Bar considers it a breach of
the oath of the English Bar.
You are English? Go on like this, and you'll be fit for the illegal chow-line in the Salvation Army Last Chance Depot.
I need not emphasize to you that the
sensitivity of this issue need not be toyed with by neglecting its
confidentiality. I therefore appeal to you not discuss this request with
anybody,
That's agreed. I will put this on the Combat Diaries to make sure that our five thousand punters per day don't have a chance to see it.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yeah, in your dreams. Go out now and feed the Zebras.
Yours truly
Stephen Ayling.