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The Fortean Times UFO Investigation Team
Here to is a short preview of the coming Fortean Times UFO Annihilation Manual compiled by factual objective investigators. If framed it will make a nice Christmas present for all truth & fact anoraks and reality train spotters & stamp collectors north and south of the Watford Gap Service Station. To give readers some idea of what to expect, we have here a brief survey of the vocabulary from a copy leaked to us by our Intelligence sources within Dennis Publications.
Repeated Words
Community Social Facts Reality Authenticity Truth (comes in either naked, hard, sad, bare, versions) Collective Demythologize Demystify
Recurring Phrases
Separate the facts from the fictions Separate the signal from the noise Separate the truth from the myth Separate reality from dream Separate the imagination from (cold, nasty, horrible etc) fact Recurring Hate Words & Accusations
Fantasy Media Illusion Misconception Hoax Trick Deception Falsehood Bullshit Crappola Hallucination badly researched Baboonage (= belief)
Favourite Explanations
Urban legend Myth Folklore Misconception Lies Hoax
Start Here for You Journey
into Christmas Inner Space
The following is guaranteed vintage Communist Polytech circa 1970s, complete with evidence measurements, statistics and such Cartesian Consumerism as would raise the very mightiest and most profound of rationalist orgasms, heavy industrial expectations and sceptical panics. Now let us join the intrepid band of Unbelievers from the Fortean Times UFO Investigation Team as they gather once more for a Pelican Sceptical Conference outside Brentford Leisure Centre for more hard non-nonsense adventures in investigating the real.
SCENE: A traffic island outside Brentford Leisure Centre. PROD, TONTO, and the VILLAGE POST MISTRESS (VPM) stand looking up at the sky. They have telescopes and sample tins, butterfly nets and jam-jars, and are on a UFO Debunking commission from the Fortean Times
TONTO: Look at that up there in the sky! PROD: Gerroff! There’s note up there. Them ufoars is roobish. VPM: Is it a lighthouse? TONTO: Is it a bloody what? Have you ever seen a lighthouse hovering over Brentford Leisure Centre? VPM: You can be easily deceived. PROD: It’s a siko-soc, siko what’s-it sikik-social-sikeo oh bollox toit. I can never do them there stupid big educarteional wierds.
(PROD’S MOBILE SOUNDS THE LAUREL AND HARDY THEME TUNE. THE FRIED SLICE, MANAGER OF THE FORTEAN TIMES COMES ON LINE)
FS: Have you trashed that UFO yet, boy? PROD: Dost thou want me to place lead weights around my legs in case I break into a gallop, brother? We’ve trashed Rendlesham, we’ve trashed Timothy Good and Nick Pope. Tell Murk to push the B-Feature explanation this month and give me and Tonto a break, for Christ’s sake.
TONTO: (grabs mobile) He’s right. This trashing will take time. VPM: I don’t really know. TONTO: Bennett says it is pure information PROD: That Bennett is a fooking idiot. FS: That’s right. VPM: I’m not sure. PROD: That Bennett is a fooking nutter. TONTO (to PROD) The Manager says get a move on. PROD: (grabs back mobile) Go get a good load of solid boiled beef and carrots inside thee, brother. There’s note but solidYorkshire facts here. None of them there soothen boojois illusions, so shurrup! (TURNS TO TONTO AND VPM) You see them ufoars is roobish. You see they see so many of them daft American films that they start seeing the creature from the Black Lagoon even when they’re in the fish and chip queue.
TONTO: Is that right? PROD: And they think they’re real. VPM: We need more evidence. TONTO: (TO VPM) Do you ever say anything else? Ever? I mean like ever? PROD: (OBLIVIOUS) They think they’re true. But they’re imagining things. VPM: Are you sure? PROD: You see forks have fantasies. All it needs to get rid of ‘em is a good old-style Arthur Scargill type inspection. There’s note like that there to separate the facts from the fantasies.
VPM: I don’t know. TONTO: You never do. VPM: It’s still there up in the sky. TONTO: It’s changing colour. VPM: Goodness, it’s looping the loop TONTO: How about that?
PROD STARES AT THE GROUND AN OMINOUS SILENCE DESCENDS AS TONTO AND VPM GAZE UPWARDS AT THE FLYING SAUCER
PROD Anybody going to the cheese-rolling this year? There’s a clog dance and a hay-baling competition.
THEY STILL STARE UPWARDS
What you need brother and sister is a good old East German industrial interrogation. After that, you’d go pop like a balloon. Like all them ufoars.
VPM: Are you certain? PROD: You see the trouble is some forks will believe anything. TONTO: (winks at VPM) They even believe you on occasion. PROD: Now don’t you try and get smart with me, you North Midlands hillbilly. TONTO: (digs VPM in ribs) That Bennett says it’s all virtual. VPM: Well there’s a wonder. PROD: I dornt like wunders. They’re all imagination. VPM: I’d never have guessed. That Bennett says- PROD: Shuroop. That Bennett knows note. All piss and post- modern. I’d rather have a bucket of bran mash and listen to Brighouse & Rastrick.
VPM: What is real? PROD: It’s obvious. Anything real you can kick. Ote else isnote but soothen do-la-la. My dad used to say that ote beyond Macclesfield has palm trees painted on it. VPM: Are you sure? PROD: I’m sure of one thing. The real squeals when you kick it. TONTO: That’s a good one. The real squeals. You could sell that. VPM: What about feelings? TONTO: Feelings? PROD: You bin gorgin’ them Wigan slag-macaroons again, Beryl? TONTO: It’s still up there. PROD: It’s note. VPM: Is it scientific? PROD: It’s a load of old bollocks. TONTO: But it is not coming down. PROD: That’s what I said. Load of old baboonage. VPM: (echo) But it is not coming down PROD: It will, it will. TONTO: Looks like a turnip. PROD: It probably is, sister TONTO: It’s spinning. PROD: Some bloke with a good mid-wicket arm, brother. TONTO: What shall we do? We need help. We’ve got to trash it before the Fortean Times goes to press today. These things can’t be allowed to stay up in the air.
VPM Allowed? PROD: Phone the Fried Slice. They’ve usually got somebody spare on the UFO trashing team. VPM: Phone the Editor? PROD: There ‘ain’t no editor. Not now anyroad. There’s a Manager. He’s on auto-load. So shurroop. VPM: (looks up) A turnip, did you say? TONTO: Christ, she’s fast. PROD: Don’t disturb the woman, you North Midlands cupcake. Sometimes I think you’re not a proper northern broother. TONTO: (to mobile) Is that the Fortean Times? Can I speak to the Fried Slice, please? VOICE: Who? TONTO: The Manager. VOICE: Oh right, him. He’s here. PROD: Is he there? Give me that phone. FS: Hello? PROD: ‘Owdoo. FS: Is that the Bolton Wanderer? PROD: Listen, you muesli-munching little macaroon, we need some help, savvy? This sodding turnip up in the air is not coming down.
VPM: (looks up) Got it! It’s a searchlight! TONTO: Not again, Beryl, please. PROD: (to FS) Did you hear that? Beryl’s on form tonight. FS: Sounds like she’s doing well again. TONTO: Again? FS: I’ll buy that. A turnip. Good. Like that Bennett. He’s a turnip. PROD: That Bennett’s as daft as a broosh. FS: That’s right. TONTO: Let’s get on with it. PROD: Get on with what, sunshine? TONTO: (to FRIED SLICE) This one’s going to take some trashing. We need Murk. He’s clever. FS: Can’t have Murk. He’s out trashing alchemy in the Guardian this week. PROD: What about the Strutting Tuffty? FS: He’s out trashing the Ashby de la Zouch sightings. And his walking frame is in for de-greasing. PROD: What about the Brentford Polonius? FS: He’s out with John Harney trashing a Green Man sighting in Middlesborough. PROD: Well we’ve gotta do something. There’s summat offer the Butlins Chip Butty ‘Ut in the Leisure Center. VPM: And it’s not going away. PROD: Beryl, hold thy tongue. VPM: Is it the lighting? TONTO: Lighting? PROD: There’s never no lights in Brentford. TONTO: (scribbling) Can I quote you on that? PROD: Shurrup. (siezes mobile, speaks to FS) Phone the sceptical conspiracy will you? FS: Who dat? PROD: The Fire Brigade. FS: The bloody what? PROD: The Gang of Fort. They’ll put down anything that’s magical, mystical, or any of that Chorlton-cum- Hardy southern yuppy bollox.
FS: No can do. They’re all out trashing corn circles this week. Listen – I want this thing reduced to urban legend by four o’clock. TONTO: Well bring in the reserves. FS: Who dat? PROD: The Magonians FS: They’re all out trashing Santa Claus for the Christmas edition. PROD: Well that’s a good thing. TONTO: That’s a very good thing. VPM: Santa Claus? FS: Got to go now. I am out all this morning trashing alien abductions. Do the best you can. I want whatever it is trashed by 4 o’clock today. We’ve got to keep up the trashing schedules or we’re done for. Taarah, babes in the wood!
BREAK FOR BACON BUTTIES AND QUORN UMBONGO DIET FRUITLICKS
VPM: Father Christmas did he say? TONTO (MUNCH) Urban legend Beryl, Just an urban legend. PROD: (to VPM) You see forks see these films you see, they see these films, they do. (MUNCH) VPM: Urban legends? TONTO: I knew you’d say that. PROD: She’s fast tonight. VPM: What are they? PROD: Films, just films, Beryl. You see forks see these films. And TV, and they start seeing things they see in the films. (with pride) I’ve solved it. How about that? (munch) TONTO: Remarkable. PROD: You see they see the things they see. VPM: Did he say babes in the wood? PROD: Aliens. babes in the wood. Don’t matter. Cinderella anything.Just stories VPM: Aliens? Cinderella? TONTO: She’s hot tonight. PROD: You see in realitoy they’re not there. You see in realitoy there’s no such things as things they say they see. VPM: I’m not quite sure I know what you mean. TONTO: That’s unusual. PROD: You see they get stuffed like Christmas turkeys with all this American stuff and they don’t know dream from cold realitoy.
TONTO: Why is reality always cold? PROD: Because it’s the truth. The truth is always cold. Didn’t you know that you little Leicester prat? TONTO: Actually, it’s Leeds. PROD: That’s south of the Scargill line. VPM: Reality is cold? PROD: That’s right. And nasty, That’s the truth. If it’s not ‘orrible, it can’t be the truth, can it? Realitoy is awful is realitoy. VPM: Why? PROD: Because it is. You can always feel the pain of truth and realitoy. That’s your illusions all going, that is. There you stand naked. The painful the more truthful it is. TONTO: (winks at VPM) I didn’t know you were a religious man, Prod. PROD: Shurroop, you Sheffield yuppy. TONTO: Where? PROD: You only know it’s the truth when you are trembling with fear and guilt. And you don’t get many of those for a pound. All them daft dreams fantasies and illusions and ufoars should be stripped from everybody.
VPM: Is it psycho-social? TONTO: (to VPM) Don’t upset him. PROD: Don’t use them long educated weirds with me, Beryl, Them that uses them’s not real persons. That’s not realitoy. You’ll be seeing them ufoars if you go all Sunday supplement. You’ll be like them forks that see these films and TV programmes and they get all them ufoars and fairies and aliens and God only knows what crap inside of ‘em. You see they’ve got a need to believe, that’s what they’ve got.
TONTO: Is there such a thing as the need to disbelieve? PROD: Shurroop, you Leicester dickhead. TONTO: It’s Leeds, actually. PROD: Stop trying to be clever-clever. In any case, only the working class is real. PROD: There’s none of your ufoar nonsense with the working class. It’s them educated bastards that does all the dreaming and the fantasies. Heads stuffed full of that there over-educated roobish. You see they read all these books and-
(VPM and TONTO (together)
They start seeing things that are not there in realitoy.
PROD: That’s right. And they get confused. And it all has to be sorted out. The fantasies have to be separated from the realitoy. TONTO But they enjoy fantasies. PROD: Exactly. That’s why they’re untrue. TONTO: The truth can’t be enjoyed? PROD: Of course it can’t. The truth is always terrible. VPM: Why? PROD: Because that’s the way of things. You see the people haveto be told. They get what they see mixed up with the films and the TV, We have a mission. Strip the mind until it is naked and full of shame for the baboonage it tricks forks with. Get rid of the nut cases and there will stand the shining truth.
TONTO: Well I never. VPM: That’ll be fun TONTO: Are you sure? PROD: We’ve got to get back to peasant truths, brother. Only the poor is real. TONTO: Can I quote you on that? I got a raise last year. Did I get more unreal? PROD: Very probably brother, very probably. VPM: I didn’t earn anything. PROD: Well go down on thy knees Beryl, and praise thy Protestant Lord. Sufficient unto the day, and all that. And remember - as you go up in price, you go up in ufoars.
TONTO: You could sell that. PROD: Consumer expectations, that’s what them ufoars are. VPM: I’ll have to think about that. TONTO: (to PROD) Christ, you’ve got her thinking. Can you do it again? (VPM looks up at object) VPM: I’ll get rid of it. TONTO: You will? SHE MAKES SIGN OF CROSS, TURNIP DISAPPEARS. TONTO: Jesus Christ. PROD: Beryl, I always knew you were a bit suspicious. We’ll have to dip you in the bloody pond, that we will. Can’t have this happening can we? TONTO: No! PROD: Now Beryl, let’s start from the beginning shall we? When did this little devil sprite enter thy tiny breast, girl? It ‘ain’t no Christian thing, I nor that. Ignore it. It’s bad. There’s nothing there, that’s what I say. They go away if you don’t notice them. It’s like TV. They want you to look. They want you to take it in, No Christian thing would be up there acting daft like that.
TONTO: (to VPM) He’s on good form this morning. PROD: It’s all that education, that’s the trooble. All them books and thoughts. Drives forks daft. Makes ‘em see things that ‘ain’t there. You see they see these films and all that roobish and they start thinking them things they see is real.
TONTO: Well that’s amazing. PROD: (looks up) In any case I can’t seen anything TONTO: Well that’s to be expected. PROD: Why? VPM: Its disappeared. TONTO: Typical. First they’re there and them they’re not there. PROD: Who you been talking to, lad? You not been reading them there Bennett books again, have you? VPM: Whose he? TONTO: Who are you? PROD: That Bennett’s as daft as a broosh. Not worth a boocket of bran mash. I tell you sommat – (TAPS HEAD) there’s note but good peasant truth in here.
VPM: Who is Bennett? PROD: Nobody you’d know, Beryl. You keep a clean house. Not sosure about this Devonshire mate of mine here, though. TONTO: Actually it’s Leeds. PROD: All I know brother is that palm trees start south of Wigan, so watch it! VPM: Its back again.
THEY SCAN THE SKIES
VPM: I think I can see it now. Does that make me a credible witness? PROD: Credible witnesses are no good. I need documentation, concrete, evidence, not raw experience. Without documents how can we ever know what is real? (winks at Tonto) You can have that. TONTO: Thanks. It’s a good one. (scribbles) VPM: Its changed colour PROD: (ignores her)You see people can be easily deceived. We need to take over the experience and see what’s exactly bin happening. TONTO: At least its not a lighthouse. VPM: Not yet. It takes time. PROD: Looks like a thrown beefburger to me. Got caught on ice up there or summatt like that. VPM: It’s gone again. PROD: There you go. Subjective, subjective. VPM: Could be atmospheric. PROD: Beryl, that’s the first intelligent sleight of mouth I’ve heard from you in months. TONTO: More like years to me. VPM: It’s here again. PROD: (ignores VPM) Shurropp you Skegness hippy. Do you know something -I’ve got my doubts about you, lad.
TONTO: It’s Leeds for God’s sake PROD: Where? TONTO: LEEDS! PROD: That’s no place for a proper northern soul-broother, lad. Go a hundred yards in the wrong direction and you put your foot in weeping Madonna land if you’re not careful. Praise the Lord I am married to a good and proper Christian woman. VPM: It’s gone again. PROD: That’s what Christ does for you. He ‘ain’t none of your urban legend-didgeridoos is Jesus. Whenever I hear the word ufoar, I reach for my religion TONTO: And what’s that? PROD: Science and reason TONTO: Oh my God. You surprise me. PROD: Now don’t you be taking the piss, you little Cornish pisky. TONTO: I give up. PROD: I would if I were you. Meantime, we’ve got to educate. TONTO: Oh, this is new. PROD: You see these fantasies have got to be destroyed. VPM: I think that one up there is rather nice. PROD: They’ve got to go, Beryl. VPM: why? PROD: It’s not right. That’s why. VPM: Not right? PROD: There’s Popery all over the place. That’s why. VPM: Popery? PROD: Yes. TONTO: (scribbles in notebook) This is new again. PROD: New? There ‘ain’t no such word in my dictionary, brother. It’s still 1600 in my good book. VPM: But what is it up there? PROD: It’s best ignored, I can tell you that. TONTO: I thought we were dealing with fact versus fiction.
THEY SCAN THE SKIES AGAIN
VPM: Is there a waterworks near here? PROD: There’s Brentford Gas Works. Will that do you? VPM: I know the manager. They could be venting. PROD: Or it could be weather. Or it could be confusion. You see forks watch these American films and they go a bit daft. VPM: I’ve got a better idea TONTO: God help us all. VPM: I’ve got a secret. PROD: (lowers voice) Careful Beryl, there’s kids passing by. VMP: I know the manager. And he always vents at four o’clock. And that’s scientific. TONTO: Well that makes it alright then. I hope his staff appreciate it. VPM: You can’t deny venting. Venting’s scientific. Is that up there scientific? TONTO: Well it’s doing very well at the moment. It’s just looped the loop over the Leisure Centre. PROD: Don’t look. It’s that Bennett again. TONTO: It doesn’t look like him. PROD: No, you daft Bridlington cart-horse, I didn’t say it looks like him, I mean it looks like the thoughts that idiots like him put into people’s heads. VPM: Is it a thought? PROD: God Jesus, the people I work with. It was tat like this ruined the music halls. A thought? Don’t matter. It’ll do you no good. It’s not necessary.
VPM: Is this a valid experience? PROD: It’s no experience at all. Don’t look at it. It’ll contaminate you. Seed you with fantasic roobish. TONTO: (SCRIBBLES) Can I use that?
(THEY SCAN THE SKY AGAIN)
VPM: Is there a Chinese Laundry around here? PROD: There’s the Fuku Takeaway if that’ll do. VPM: Because sometimes they have festivals. Paper dragons, and all that. TONTO: Jesus, it’s changing colour. VPM: Yes, but is it factual? PROD: You never know with these things. VPM: Can it be measured? Measurement is reality. TONTO: Can I use that? VPM: Is it a measurable fraud? PROD: It could be pretending to be. TONTO: Can I use that? VPM: Some kind of hoax? PROD: No ritualist hoaxes me. (winks) I always find the tinfoil suit and the bicycle pump. VPM: It’s going away. PROD: They usually do when you loook at ‘em real ‘ard. VPM: Its disappeared completely. PROD: Since there was note up there in the first place, I don’t that find that unusual. Probably somebody’s stuck it with a pin. TONTO: It’s back again. PROD: You would say that, wouldn’t you? The jokers have opened the valve. Time for a pint. VPM: What’s a valve? PROD: The thing that go it up there in the first place. VPM: What thing? PROD: Oh shuroop Beryln and go suck one your Polo mints. VPM: Is there an umbrella maker near here? TONTO: The last one was hung for grave-robbing Beryl. Just before the Relief of Ladysmith. You were only five at the time, so you’ve probably fogotten. VPM: I was just thinking… PROD: Don’t think Beryl, pray. It’s thinking that does the damage. You start seeing things that aren’t there. Thinking’s no good for nobody. Gets your imagine going and before you know it, you’re seeing them there ufoars and all kinds of some such American pop crappola
VPM: I’ve got an idea. TONTO: Not another one, please. PROD; Beryl, you’ve had enough for one day. Such baboonage will do that lumbago of yours no good. VPM; (EYES LIGHT UO) Is there a magician living near here? PROD: Now there’s a funny thing. TONTO: Yes. The renowned Alan Smith. But he was an entertainer, not a magician. PROD: Same thing. TONTO: And he’s in New Zealand. PROD: No. Worse. He’s dead. I think. TONTO: Well that’s a good start for causation. A probable magician who probably died in New Zealand. VPM: But he lived round here. TONTO: When? VPM: When he was probably alive. TONTO: When was that? PROD: Shurrup the pair of you. It’s thinking that\s the big problem. I do it myself sometimes. TONTO: You do? PROD: You imagine all kinds of things when you start thinking. VPM: He could be alive TONTO: Well so could you. PROD: Now stop that, you Manchester muffin. TONTO: Actually it’s Leeds. PROD: I guessed it were somewhere south of the Scargill line.
TONTO’S MOBILE RINGS. IT IS THE FRIED SLICE, MANAGER OF THE FORTEAN TIMES. HE GIVES PHONE TO PROD
TONTO: For you. It’s the Manager. FS: How’s the trashing going then? PROD: We’ve trashed it. There a trickster lives near here. Or did. FS: Thank God for that. I was getting anxious. Who is this godsend? PROD: Alan Smith. FS: The entertainer? TONTO: The magician. FS: Either will do. He’s dead, isn’t he? PROD: Don’t matter. FS: I think he died in Manchuria. Years ago. TONT: Where? PROD: So they say. Magicians is funny things is magicians. You can’t trust tricksters. Dead or alive. FS: Is he dead or alive? PROD: Listen, you little print-room apparatchik - give us a break, will you? When and where this particular sod shut the oven don’t matter. He used to put things up in the air, that’s all I know. FS: That’s good enough for me. I’ll tell Murk. He can write up as another popped balloon. Give me Tonto will you? (TO TONTO) Is it still up there? TONTO: No. It’s gone. FS: Thank God for that. VPM: It’s back FS: What? PROD: Beryl, can you stop doing this? TONTO: Stop it? BERYL: (looking up) Is it a flight of fancy? FS: Give me somebody with some sense there, will you? PROD: (GRABS PHONE) Don’t worry. It’s not worth a spew in Woolworth’s doorway. You see people imagine things. I don’t like that. I don’t like fantasy and imagination. Them things is up to no good. You’ve no idea. It brings things about. Not worth a Brentford Quorn Essence of Cocoa- Fudge.
VPM: You’ve lost me. TONTO: That’s not unusual FS: He’s lost me as well. But thanks to you, the trashing schedules are going OK for this month. Keep up the good work. Tah Tah. TONTO: Condescending bastard. VPM: Is this real? PROD: How real do you want it? How real is real? TONTO: Can I quite you on that? PROD: No. TONTO: Why not. PROD: That’s not me. It’s that Bennett. VPM: Where, where? PROD: In my head. VPM: Merry Christmas. PROD: I should say so.
Ask that Bennett. I’m going back to Bradford. Merry Christmas to all. |
