diary 24

Charlie White, a former pelican sceptic, is seen above after a hair-raising escape from the Magonian Rationalist HQ at Brentford Leisure Centre. Here he accepts gratefully his daily dose of Quorn Detox Medication in the Belief Crisis Clinic of the House of Panzerben. This patented mix of fragrant herbs plus secret Combat ingredients, is guaranteed to destroy all petite-bourgeois trading-class fantasies such as inputs and outputs, and “facts” versus “fantasies.” After this treatment, such poor pelicans as Charlie will no longer resist belief in ancient Turkish electrical batteries, the flying machines of Egyptian Pharaohs, or the occult powers of the Sacred Monkeys of Bali. The Quorn Detox Medication is a special serum developed by the Combat Diaries Psycho-Medical team. Conceived in the spirit of Charles Fort, our medication is designed to utterly destroy all sceptical “objective” and “scientific” bullshit from sand-grain counting grocers, ledger-clerks, and Victorian Station Masters. who would reduce all knowledge and inspiration to monstrous bureaucratic accountancy procedures centred around the ingrowing toenails of a Man on the Clapham Omnibus.

The effect of the Combat Cure will be almost immediate. Back will come communication with feelings, intuition, and nostalgia mysterioux. Charlie will once more see people as atmospheres, images, memories, smells, touch, instead of shoe-sizes, credit ratings, equations and pushes and puand pulls and weights and measures and speeds and times and hard-wired crimes of explanations.

We at the Combat Diaries care about such baffled and confused creatures, whose scepticism has been a direct cause of the peculiar physicality.

Below we show Charlie undergoing his sceptical detox treatment at the Combat Diaries Clinic. He is about to join his personal counsellor for a herbal assisted shower.

After his Quorn Detox and Combat Cure, Charlie will become Holistic Fortean Man, competing with Fact, Logic, Experimentation, and Measurement for Prime Time as a performer. He will be far greater than the sum of his parts, which is the thing every Agent looks for, and his quips will be a lot better than the fading old comedy of Mechanism, Evidence, and Objectivity, those rather Germanic jokes that have a hell of a lot to answer for.

For more news and pictures of Charlie’s progress, see Retreat, Counselling and Confessions below.

Editor Panzerben briefs his assault squad prior to yet another raid on the Sceptical HQ in Brentford Leisure Centre, the lair of the Magonian Pelicans.

The Fried Slice (current Manager of the Fortean Times, and as fine an example of sensible footware as ever there was) telephoned me some months ago. In between calling me everything from a pig to a dog in a now famous phone call, he took time off for a few seconds to ask me breathlessly when our equally famous attacks on the Fortean Times were going to stop. I said they would stop when the lies, misinformation, disinformation and conspiratorial sceptical propaganda of his two so-called “UFO Correspondents” ceased. But your Slice (who went sane long ago, and is intent on turning FT into a version of Time Out on Ice) didn’t quite get the point.

Should anyone think we are being hard on the Fortean Times (our sister paper), let them know this: we have very strong suspicions that Paul Sieveking the editor aided and abetted a letter from a well-known agitator which accused me of bringing the work of Charles Fort into disrepute. It was this published letter that started the Alternative Fortean Times. Sieveking denied me right of reply to this letter. In trying to portray Charles Fort merely as a quaint Victorian frog-watcher, it is Sieveking and the entire sceptical Gang of Fort who are bringing the name of Fort into disrepute, not me.

My prize-winning biography of Charles Fort was trashed by FT, but they did far worse to other authors. They trashed the books (would you believe) of Timothy Good and Nick Pope, and they almost destroyed Gorgina Bruni’s career. They have also trashed the books of every single American pro-UFO writer for many years. The magazine has been used as a vicious conspiratorial sceptical organ denying all New Age, and mystical matters. The Fortean Times should be renamed the British Sceptical Enquirer, not only because it completely misrepresents the work of Charles Fort, but because denies corn circles, abductions, MJ-12, and certainly all matters occult, spiritual, metaphysical, or paranormal, or anomalistic. To make the point, it appointed two leading British UFO sceptics (who do not believe UFOs exist!) as UFO correspondents. Now there’s an exercise in Democracy and Objectivity!

No wonder they get opposition to all this not only from the Combat Diaries, but hundreds of other people who send us e-mails complaining about things they have spotted in the Fortean Times, some obvious, some not so obvious. Bob Rickard has signed his name in blut on the psycho-social blut banner of Dark Riders Devereaux and Brookesmith, thus giving up all right to call himself a Fortean. Charles Fort was the world’s first great Ufologist, with over 3000 examples of UFO sightings over several hundred years. He painted a completely fantastic universe in which anything that could be imagined could happen, for better or for worse. In believing the psycho-social crap about UFOs being result of American pop-culture, the hypocrisy of the Gang of Fort in this respect is beyond belief. The Fortean Times should refurbished, re-titled, and re-launched to cast off the dead weight of old-fashioned mechanical sceptics from a rustic era in British time.

As kind of liberal gesture to critics, the Village Postmistress has now been added to the UFO Investigation Team (see below). She is as fine a piece of ye olde English clockwork as ever there was. She should be on the front of a jar of Cooper’s Oxford Marmalade. Reports of moths flying out of Dennis Publications have not been confirmed. The VPM has no intellect, she is no philosopher, she is at least ten years out of date and she somewhat is pre-cyber, to say the least. Her “lighthouse” theory of the Rendlesham Forest incident was the British equivalent to Hynek’s old “marsh gas” joke. But despite being one of the greatest fence-sitters of all Ufological history, her offerings will no doubt be a damn sight better than the monthly pre-programmed trashing of classic UFO cases by Prod and Tonto.

But times are changing now, and we are moving on. We at the Combat Diaries won’t be seeing FT any more. Someone at Dennis Publications has at last had the good sense to stop sending us our free copy, Good idea that, and we’ll be damned if we are going to spend four quid buying the thing, and we don’t anyone who reads it.

However, we’ll be giving the Fortean Times a health-check every now and again just to see how the sceptical agenda is going.

We get many e-mails asking about Charles Fort and scepticism. The Gang of Fort have much confused the issue by using a process of Orwellian double-think and making Fort into a “sceptic.” In the terms of Magonia magazine (far more honest a publication than the devious Fortean Times) scepticism is a tool for revealing the truth about situations and opinions and clearing such of what they call fantasies, hallucinations, and misconceptions. Scepticism is used here as a separator of what such sceptics call Facts from Fictions.

In this, the Gang of Fort and the Magonians have (either deliberately or by default) confused or misinterpreted Fort’s position. In Charles Fort’s sense, Scepticism is not a revealer of truth so much as a control on experience. Certainly we need healthy scepticism, but Fort saw the function of scepticism not as a separator of fact from fiction, but as a limiter in the face of his idea that since each and every element of experience is equally fantastic, we have to limit our experience in order to remain sane. The limiting of experience is essentially a political process. This is why Charles Fort is an important political philosopher.

Fort is the first Postmodern in the sense that he saw experience essentially as liminal. That is he saw all experience and social structures as various forms of theatre, advertisements and media. Liminality presents no problem as a concept – an actor’s performance, an advertisement, a painting, a thought, they are all liminal in that they give vital information but have no mechanical substance. Like the concept of the “average man” such virtuality moves along a sliding scale between the theoretical approximations of real and unreal, false and true, which as limitations reflect the race between Achilles and the Tortoise, or the limit in the Calculus. In this Fort agrees with Plato in that he sees that nothing at all is quite completely real.

How can a man who recorded rains of frogs, fish, and countless other things from the sky, be a sceptic? Anyone who thinks this, has certainly got the wrong end of the Fortean stick!

Hence Charles Fort is a powerful politician, not the cute and quaint little Victorian frog-watcher as depicted by the Fortean Times:

“A procession of the damned.
By the damned, I mean the excluded.
We shall have a procession of data that Science has excluded.

Battalions of the accursed, captained by pallid data that I have exhumed, will march. You'll read them--or they'll march. Some of them livid and some of them fiery and some of them rotten.

Some of them are corpses, skeletons, mummies, twitching, tottering, animated by companions that have been damned alive. There are giants that will walk by, though sound asleep. There are things that are theorems and things that are rags; they'll go by like Euclid, arm in arm with the spirit of anarchy. Here and there will flit little harlots. Many are clowns. But many are of the highest respectability. Some are assassins. There are pale stenches and gaunt superstitions and mere shadows and lively malices: whims and amiabilities. The naive and the pedantic and the bizarre and the grotesque and the sincere and the insincere, the profound and the puerile.”

Our advice is to ignore the Fortean Times and spend your money on the following:

If we have missed anybody out, please let us know, and we will add your publication to the list. More details next issue.

Please note that we are still not quite up to strength yet in the new year. Books Bizarre and Book Reviews will be back next month.

“Couldn’t lead a bottle of brown sauce to a Blackpool boarding house” (George Mensche)

“F****** B****** S*** C***” (The Fried Slice, FT “Editor,” or Manager or Front, or General Dogs-Body – we don’t quite know which)

“From Panzerben’s Intellectual Sex, God save us” (the Brentford Polonius)

Meantime, between your belief crises, don’t forget the Bad Man’s article “A New Ufology” in Area 51 section of Phenomena Magazine. This is the Bufoon on his best behaviour - no swearing, no debunking of sceptical

rationalisations, no gorgeous naked women, and no slagging off the Fortean Times. Disappointed? You will not be – check it our now! A New Ufology will join two more archived articles by Bennett the Bad Buffoon on archives in Area 51 section of Phenomena. They are:

WARNING: those of sceptical or nervous condition are advised to exercise caution before approaching Phenomena magazine.

Meantime, the Bad Man has submitted his Phenomena article A New Ufology to the Journal of the British Interplanetary Society as a response to the paper Inflation-Theory Implications for Extraterrestrial Visitation. Of course they will not publish my reply, because the Journal will in turn apply own psycho-social filter.

cultural exclusions. That’s surely as good as wormholes and stargates, when

“But Lucy the tea-tray girl was a fast breeder, although not very fast at all by later standards. But she was sufficient a resonant frequency to induce image-flow in the score or so secondary circuits seated on benches on either side of John. These great slabs of oak were made from the same ancestral trees that had given birth to the ships of Samuel Pepys’ Royal Navy of the Restoration. And the lovely Lucy as a new form of time and experience was the primary circuit. From hereon, after her primal moments of induced suggestion by light and shade alone, her countless ghost-children would be in charge.”

Combat Diary writers Patricia Farson and Magonia Me Charlie (below) report on the latest adventures of the Strutting Tuffty, the almost (or partial, or executive, or retired) editor of the Fortean Times, our sister paper.

“After several years of research, various people have unearthed the possibility of EBE base areas in the Nevada region. Observations from many individuals, some of whom have been threatened by various parties, have led them to the following conclusions...”

Here to help Combat Viewers is a short preview of the coming Fortean Times UFO Annihilation Manual compiled by the above factual investigators. When this appears it will make a nice birthday present for all truth & fact anoraks and reality train spotters & stamp collectors north and south of the Watford Gap Service Station. To give you some idea of what to expect, we have here a brief survey of the vocabulary from a copy leaked to us by our Intelligence sources within Dennis Publications.

Recurring Phrases

Recurring Hate Words & Accusations

After that dose of Epsom Salts and Vinegar, Combat Viewers will no doubt welcome what now follows.

Send us your books, book reviews and articles, and we will put your name in blue chemtrails over Brentford Leisure Centre.

“This needed two dowsers in different rooms, each with a pendulum. My wife went upstairs taking with her a pendulum, a male and a female fossil sea urchin and a bottle of my hair. I remained below in the stone-flagged hall, while she conducted her operations over a concrete fireplace in the bedroom. I tuned in my pendulum to the 24 inch male sex rate of my hair in the bottle upstairs. My wife swung the short pendulum between my hair and a fossil sea urchin of which I could not know the sex rate. Watches had been synchronized. At a given moment I began to swing my pendulum in the hall downstairs, while she swung her's in the bedroom.” (Beyond Time and Distance 1965)

We are happy to welcome back Sister Margot Fontez, now once more in charge of the new and improved Panzerben Belief Casualty Unit. Carla Jones, a district nurse who has done valuable work with the Combat Diaries of the Alternative Fortean Times, had now gone back to her work with tower block androids, ESN afternoon-TV incapables, and similarly deprived psychopaths in Sheffield North. Margot herself is a dropped-out professional shrink, originally from Nottingham, and she hopes to resume her remedial work with dropped-out sceptics, escapees from the Leisure Centre in Magonian Brentford, belief-crisis cases, and victims of the Quorn Diet.

We welcome our new star turn, Zelda Rabinowitz. Zelda is a radical MD from Stoke Newington, now shorn, fortunately, of all her left-wing social-democratic credentials.

This excellent team will run the Panzerben Rescue & Reform Scheme for UFO & Parnormal Unbelievers (environmental grant applied for). They will be taking good care of our unique collection of fallen manic-depressive nail-biting po-faced sceptics, dazed and confused humourless rationalists, and also those who suffer from exposure to deadly fundamentalist doll-radiation from the wide-screen Nikon, this being the only alien invasion that counts. The need to disbelieve is one of the great afflictions of our society, though this sickness is not discussed in media or the press.

Quorn food is a systems solution brought about designer-rationalisation within good scientific management infrastructure. It is a sterilized biosoup consisting of a mixture of various fungoids, extruded snail excreta, homogenized diesel fuel, gene-spliced slaughter house offal, and Uranium Depleted 120mm tank ammo. This latter is in the form of a fine-ground ceramic which makes an excellent base for a wide variety of manufactured jams, custards, and soups and gravy.

The increased consumption of this food concerns us greatly. Increased numbers of distraught pelicans are leaving (or rather escaping) their Magonian breeding grounds at the Leisure Centre and arriving for belief-crisis treatment at the House of Panzerben. Below we see a typical Brentford Pelican, a victim of sceptical dementia, being give Intense Life Style Therapy by Carla, just before that good woman left for more dusty social work amongst the fallen peasantry of Brentford North.

The problem has been caused by eating the fungi food available there, a soya-weave on a base of slaughter-house offal and spent tractor lubricant. Above we see yet another typical victim of the Brentford Leisure Centre Fungus Diet. These poor people are known to stumble into hospital emergency units and casualty departments all over the south of England. The food in the Leisure Centre in particular is apt to produce a condition of dementia in which a person thinks they have at last discovered what they call the “real.” Having assured themselves that they have reached the end of the quest of all philosophy, they stumble around touching people to assure themselves of what they call solidity, and this can cause problems in Tube trains and crowded restaurants. The Brentford Quorn Fungus Food (Sceptiburgers, Pelican Doubt Rolls, Imposter Cream Horns) causes personality problems through a surfeit of scepticism. Hence the eccentric appearance of this particular victim, caused by complete self-scepticism and hence neglect of his “real” person. These poor pelicans suffer from fits of sceptical rationalism such that an individual believes that an observer is separate from his observation. The final state of this malady is called objectivity, a condition in which psychopaths think that the screams of their victim have absolutely nothing to do with them.

Here we see a troubled sceptic, brimful of the Brentford Quorn Panic, and no doubt full of Quorn Sceptiburgers, decides to either throw himself off the roof of the Leisure Centre or come to Confession at the True Believers House of Panzerben. In the manner of many 19^th century clergymen secretly seeking the wafer, many such Magonian sceptics come to the House of Panzerben as shelter from the dark night of the sceptical soul.

The Brentford Panic is a truly terrible affliction caused by a surfeit of intense mid-life sceptical rationalisations, and is a form of dementia that is gripping the entire world. It is no longer confined to the lower middle class in Brentford, but has spread rapidly beyond Protestant rural England. The United Nations is now preparing a Rationalisations Awareness Campaign which will result in a scientifically-designed (God help us!) Quorn Food Detox Kit. This is for emergency application, just in case the stuff is consumed by accident at a time of the year when many parties are being held such as the Combat Diaries Christmas Eve party shown here. Beware – this is what happens when all belief in the Easter Bunny and Cliff Richard’s glass slippers is abandoned.

At the Combat Diaries, we are putting our anarchic shoulders to the wheel and trying to help out. As these poor crazed sceptical devils wander into the house of Panzerben, we take them off the “intelligent” TV main broadcast channels, a major cause of IQ decline. Once off the peasant culture and the Leisure Centre Quorn food, our world-renowned course of Emergency Belief Detox can commence, and they are as right as rain in no time at all, believing in wonders beyond Dalston and the Piccadilly line. Some say the Brentford panic is artificially manufactured by evil scientists because it only effects white lower-middle-class provincial ledger clerks who have made their first bob or two. Afraid of losing their very first savings account (stuffed in jam jars, mattresses and cut-out edition of Old Moore’s Almanac) to impostors, illusionists, fantasists, Postmodernists and all such blue-chinned dagoes south of Calais they deny all and everything that is wondrous beneath sun moon and stars.

* Dr. THOMAS VAN FLANDERN - Author of "Dark Matter, Missing Planets and New Comets”

* FREDDY SILVA - Crop Circles, Cathedrals and Sacred Spaces: The Energy Connection

* Dr. SIMEON HEIN & RON RUSSELL - Remote Viewing, including a mini training session

* SEAN MORTON – "Future Prospects of the World According to the Bible Code”by Joseph Noah

* MICHAEL SALLA, PhD – Legacy of the Nazi Germany – Extraterestrial Connection.

* DOLORES CANNON - Medical Cures by Aliens, and “The Convoluted Universe, Book 2”

* JOE LEWELS & BARBARA LAMB – Joint presentation of their research, as well as research of the late Dr. JOHN MACK, into the Reptilian phenomena

* A. J. GEVAERD (Brazil) - Top researcher from Brazil brings new cases from South America

* Dr. ROGER LEIR – Will also present his medically based research into the Varginha case

* PAOLA HARRIS (Italy) – From Phil Corso to Charles Hall: The need for witness testimony

* CHARLES HALL - Author of “Millennial Hospitality” – an account of one man’s experiences with ETs

* DR. NICK BEGICH – The next challenge for our generation – How we use new technologies

(SPEAKERS WHOSE NAMES APPEAR WITH AN * ARE CONFIRMED AS OF JANUARY 4, 2005

This schedule is subject to change, if necessary – Please check back for updates!

For detailed schedule, registration form, prices and transportation, go to our website at

PRICES START AT JUST $399.00 US - INCLUDES 8 NIGHTS HOTEL & ALL CONFERENCE EVENTS!!

The University of Life

(A non-profit organisation)

The 10^th annual Spring Conference on,

“Unexplained Mysteries”

Including

UFO’s, Crop Circles,

Government Conspiracies & other related topics.

on Sunday 10^th April 2005 09.45am to 6.00pm

At The Corn Exchange, Dorchester, Dorset. (Registration 08.30 to 09.30am)

Lectures by:

Richard Lawrence (UFOs) Andrew Johnson (Anti-Gravity)

Isabelle Kingston (The Watchers) Marcus Allen (Secrets of Egypt)

John Martineau (Solar system) & David Kingston

ENTRANCE FEE is £20.00p per ticket (inclusive of a programme),

(non-refundable) (Keep your ticket for the FREE RAFFLE)

Tickets, if available, and purchased on the day will be £25 each

There are a limited number of tickets & programmes each year. To reserve yours write to: (enclosing an A5 S.A.E for a ticket & programme)

“Conference” 26, Rex Lane, Chickerell, Dorset. DT3 4AY 9HY

Cheques made payable to V. Kingston

Email: david.kingston7@virgin.net

Web Site: http://universityoflife.users2.50megs.com/page4.htm

The organisers reserve the right to alter speakers in the event of illness of an individual lecturer.

Lunches, (vegetarian available), need to be reserved in advance. Please telephone Bob Stephenson on 01305 268909

Should you require accommodation, please telephone

The Dorchester Tourist Board on 01305 267992 for a brochure or look on our Conference website page.

Hog Productions

CyberHog Unlimited

&

Network Combat Diaries Present