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The Alternative Fortean Times
(beware of imitations) http://www.combat-diaries.co.uk Part of The Why Files Network Panzerben's Combat Diary 17 for February 2004
Google Records Three Million
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the Real is found!
Solution to all UFO Sightings announced by BBC Timewatch Programme! It all hippy illusions! Three BBC Directors resign! 256 Stonehenge pilgrims trampled to death whilst stoning copies of Magonia magazine!
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Just when you thought Marxist-Leninism was a new brand of Toasted Slurpee, two Northern Psychosocial Workers, Prod and Tonto, under the direction of F.T. Magonia (“two webs one mind”) Merk, have finally found the Real, that quest of centuries of careful factual research! Prod and Tonto are the two ancient gaffers who forged all the corn circles of the past twenty years, using belts and brace, bits of barn doors, boots, brass tacks, and dog-bollock chains! The Real was found by them during the making of a BBC TV Documentary investigating the connections between hippy visions and UFO sightings!
Here are some of the headlines from around the world:
“hippies did it all!” (Hutton Report)
“Real found! Vatican, Cliff Richard, and Arthur Scargill first to be informed.” (Exchange & Mart)
“smiles all round” (the Big Girl’s Blouse)
“factual researchers rejoice!” (UFO Updates List)
“objectivists triumph! Economic Determinists party all night outside Scunthorpe Mechanics Institute.” (Marxism Yesterday)
“after this the Grail won’t be worth a single junk-food commercial for the peasants” (Guardian, Muesli Culture Supplement))
“Nobel Prize Committee sitting immediately.” (Readers for Reality)
“This is t’d plain unvarnished truth wi’ nort missed owt!” (Prod)
“The Brentford Polonius (below, operating camera) is pleased” (Magonian Supplement 1000)
“this first separation of the facts from the fictions is as important a moment in world history as the splitting of the atom”(George Bush)
“well Them Upstairs will have to have a policy meeting before we know whether to agree with all this or not.” (Fortean Times)
Above, two young Maoists from the Brentford Corps of Psychosocial workers are photographed outside Magonian Rational Enquirer in Brentford as they celebrate the finding of the Real. Note the real industrial smoke in the background, and the real peasants toiling happily in the real fields and writing real poems about their real tractors. Below is an “actual” photograph of “real” hippies facing one of their typical consumer fantasies as revealed by BBC Timewatch programme made by Prod, Tonto and F.T. Merk. The “factual objective research” adventures of these psychosocial workers will be recalled from previous issues of the Combat Diaries.
From a Pelican leaflet handed out after the BBC Timewatch programme:
“History will surely celebrate this triumph of good old-fashioned commonsense from the ordinary folk of grass-root England will help those poor confused hippies who think they have seen aliens from flying saucers. Demystification is often a painful thing, but through community therapy and honestly facing up to their public confession assisted by what might well be a new kind of psycho-social worker, they can be drawn back into the sane and sensible community again and live the life of reconstructed citizens of a rational and democratic nation free of self-deception and those big-city slicker intellectuals who use long wierds (sic). This BBC TV programme will help all honest boot and barndoor citizens free themselves from the malevolent excitations of American pop culture.”
Panzerben briefs his assault squad prior to yet another a raid on the Skeptical HQ at Brentford Leisure Center Your Editor Squeaks
Well folks first let your editor apologise for this late appearance of Combat Diary 17 of the Alternative Fortean Times. The problem has been that the team of Panzerben has been struck down with the classical plagues of history. We have had the dropsy, the tarantula, and the scrofula; we have had the dread lairgie, the screaming nadges, the macaroon shakes, the gout-palsy, and even a touch of the terrible Dalston Panic, which gets you right in the inspirations. At one time it all got so bad we even feared an attack of acute petite bourgeois rationalisations. But our resident witch doctor (Fancy Tail, a young punk maid from Falmouth) sorted us all out with root and balm, blood letting, leeches, soil tea, and Uncle Tom’s Chinese Gastric Enemas. We didn’t need any help from those young walking advertisements from medical school with their animal-scream needles and their mortgages and healthy well-balanced relationships with tennis playing accountants and solicitors. And here once again in Combat Diary 17, we have here another unique contribution to our monthly anthropology of inspirations, and we would like to thank all our contributors, conscious or unconscious of their contributions as they might well be in this speedy modern world. Lacking contributions, we write them ourselves. Makes no difference. Life is a Janus-faced Holon. It doesn’t matter in the universal script whether you come in on cue or not. This is a media world!
FLASH NEWS!!!
Patricia Farson reports.
Here is an up-date from Patricia Farson (recovering from the gips, the Shepherd’s Bush Frenzy, and the Bulstrode Itch)
“By means of special computerized photo techniques developed for the analysis of the Roswell Ramey memorandum, the Panzerben team can reveal that the northern jungle scene shown above in the Pelican leaflet is not all that it appears to be. In the middle of the supposed hallucination is a document case, and some printed papers can just be made out. Here is our best rendering of the text: “... guaranteed no-nonsense account, xxx sound principles of social-scientific realism xxx devoid of middle-class fantasies. xxxxx Marxist-Leninist social filters, xxx (ed: sketch of George Adamski in a Gulag), xxx xxx applause of xxx psychosocial Protestants from the Fortean Times, (ed: our troubled sister paper). Written in the air like a message from old Chairman Mao is the field-peasant’s glee as the facts come apart from the fictions to satisfy all the practical trading instincts of the lower-middle-class. xxx TV programme proves that there really is nothing behind the veil of the Huddersfield Temple, or anywhere else. What you see is what you get, and what you get is what you pay for. Trust xxx factual Maoists and the commissars of good old-fashioned plain working class good sense sort out the mysteries of these middle-class hippies xxx American showbiz fantasists and how they were all kidded into thinking that there were such things as UFOs. As we have seen from recent Hutton Report, we can all trust the BBC to give us the plain unvarnished truth!” Patricia Farson (the Bad Girl)
FLASH NEWS!!!
Fortean Times discovers UFOs!! Read all about it!
Betty Baxter reports We at the House of Panzerben have just received copy 181 of our sister magazine, the Fortean Times. We cancelled our free subscription a year ago, because the mag was beginning to sound like a Protestant sermon with a touch of Arthur Scargill. The result was that IFG magazines refused all e-mail from the Alternative Fortean Times. Issue 181 of the Fortean Times has obviously been sent to make a point to Panzerben & Co. Behold, 181 is full of everything it was not full of before this issue: downed saucers, dead aliens, the FBI, and UFO conspiracies, plus (would you believe), abductions! Why this sudden change of rather politically correct heart? It may have been the effect of Patricia Farson’s popular article, Fortean Times and the New Cromwellians (available from our archives, see below). Countless downloads have been made of this piece. Or it could be that (their security system leaks like the proverbial sieve) rumours are rife about a dangerous downturn in the sales of FT. Talk about a mid life crisis! It reminds me of when John DeLorean started wearing lapels down to his nipples and tried dancing like John Travolta. It’s either that, or Them Upstairs have had a rationalization (it used to be called inspiration) that Magonian scepticism was not selling. For the most part, scepticism is dull, mediocre, and humourless. Such sensible footware doesn’t inspire, still less does it sell. Even less is it about what is happening in the modern world. Common sense and rather tepid almost methodist rationalism make no sense in a cosmos strung between Janet Jackson’s tits, Royal murders, Government lies and corruption, and 9/11. In any case, going to the UFO to increase sales is a better alternative than having the telephone whores back selling their wares in the advertisement pages. Who knows, issue 181 might become as good a bench mark as 9/11. Now, we might expect from FT such previously banned subjects as MJ12, postmodernism, and the super physics of Jack Sarfatti and Hal Puthoff (we’ll be there before you, Mark!). Who knows again in time they might even discover Charles Fort! If they do, and they make him out t be a jolly Victorian uncle giving out amusing glass case oddities to chattering-class eccentrics and Bohemians, we will stamp our little foot.
The Brentford Polonius will not be pleased, and neither will Prod or Tonto!
We know they all read us by candle light in cellars out of sight of their wives and Party Commissars. Well boys at IFG mags, best of luck on your new venture. But a warning – on the UFO front, judging from the material you are presenting, you’ve been out of practice for years, and like the wiring of a DeLorean, you are somewhat behind the times. If you need any randy updates boys and girls, let us know! Betty Baxter (the Good Girl)
FLASH NEWS!!! As we go to press, Nasa publishes photo of possible alien artifacts found on Mars!
PROD: A fraud pie TONTO: A Hamburger illusion After that, you will all be ready for your Archive Box Number 1. Press here to download this box, which includes selections from previous Combat Diaries:
1. Deconstructing the B-29 Colin Bennett2. The Latex Princess Colin Bennett3. Another One that Never Were Alan Goss-Custard4. Fortean Times and the New Cromwellians Patricia Farson5. New Criteria of Diagnosis Carole Smith6. Roswell Reverse Engineering Bill Sherman7. Memetics Jack Hardy8. The Great UFO/Crash Retrieval Syndrome Betty Baxter9. Microchip Implants Luukanen-Kilde
Contents of current Combat Diary 17 for February 2004
Chapter 1: The Man-Made Origin of AIDS Alan Cantwell MD Chapter 2: Cognitive Contagion Eugene Macer-Story Chapter 3: The Zero Files Matthew B. Stannard Chapter 4: BBC Timewatch: The Farse Mag Interview Ron Mensche Chapter 5: The Mystery of the Chemtrails Bingman/Bennett Chapter 6: Destiny Matrix Jack Sarfatti Chapter 7: Lantern Slide Girl Part 2 to be uploaded very soon
Book Review: "The Phoenix Lights" by Dr. Lynne Kitei.
Meet the Team of Panzerben: I have not repeated the staff biogs this month because of the pressure on bandwidth. The biogs are available on the previous Combat Diaries. They are fascinating, so flick back and have your life changed.FORTWATCH
Patricia Farson (our very own Jewish Princess) is taking some time off to complete another chapter of her revolutionary new novel, Memoirs of a Fallen Programmer. A section of this appeared in the previous Combat Diary 15 as the The Doll Killer. Meantime she is still working on her exposure of the virtual (and secret) take over of the Fortean Times by Magonia magazine. Patricia has received much praise, publicity, and not a little Ufological notoriety for her article Fortean Times and the New Cromwellians that appeared in Combat Diary 12. Memoirs of a Fallen Programmer. This novel is unique, quite different from the usual pastel-shade pre-electric Guardian crap about Jack and Jill in Hampstead, or bleating knitting-pattern thoughts from the print-frocks (and that’s only the men) in Bloomsbury. Some day soon she intends to take some time off from her novel to build an alchemical chamber on the third floor of the House of Panzerben. As soon as her new boy friend, Bobo “Tang” Guitane (seen above) comes out of two-week social confinement. Since he is a complete ****wipe who is who can hardly pull on his socks we look forward to his arrival at HQ. Warning: approach with caution. She is a serious woman.
INVESTIGATIONS
Dr. Betty “Shackster” Baxter from Darkest Knightsbridge, said to be the greatest computer hacker since the great Fred Klaxon of Wakefield (RIP), who disappeared in mysterious circumstances. Her article, The Great UFO Crash/Retrieval Syndrome, in Combat Diary 14, has aroused much interest throughout the world. She is now hard at work in her Faraday cage on the next episode Journey Into MJ12. Warning: being fifth on the CIA kill-on-sight list, she is well protected.
DEFENCE AND SECURITY
Sidney in pensive mood Cyril on night patrol
Still continuing his analysis of Boswell’s Life of Johnson, Sidney has been joined by another security staff recruit, a young psychopath from Streatham who has of late abandoned his Ph.D thesis on Charles Fort for a life of subsidised adventure in central London. Some say we have the most erudite security staff in Britain. Of this, more later in the Combat Diaries of the Alternative Fortean Times. Warning to sceptics: do not try and break into the House of Panzerben, if only because the above staff are not yet fully trained.
Roving Reporter
A retired private detective, the proud boast of George Mensche is that with his lavatory-attendant looks and appearance he has been able to penetrate many a suspicious corporation and Intelligence front. He operates on what he calls the anti- James Bond effect. Put simply, this means that if you look like nothing, people see nothing. We hope to bring you the story of his many adventures as the invisible man. For his first mission he is interviewing Prod and Tonto. In his own words, he set forth in fear and trembling. Domestic
Elmon Siedlitz
There have been some serious developments on the kitchen front. Elmon has decided to form a rock group with his partner Siedlitz. After advice from an agent on concept development, the first photographic proofs of suggested transformations are now available. On the left is the first still of a suggested form for Elmon’s possible transformation into a Star. Centre is a similar suggestion for Siedlitz. The suggested name for the group is RCubed, or Retro Rock Revival. Both are extremely excited about the possibilities, which usually means trouble. We are all tense and expectant in the House of Panzerben. This pair serve three fine meals a day in our house to 8 people, assisted by Deaf Meg and her alcoholic daughter, lance corporal Kathleen. late of 4th Armoured Brigade domestic staff. Watch this space as their promotion tour of Retro Rock Revival gets under way, and we are all down to fish and chips in the House of Panzerben. Meantime, there is much intense speculation as to whether the valiant pair will agree to have the rather drastic surgical operations recommended by their agent, Mr. Vor Trekker, seen here in a very grainy Security Services shot from a hidden camera.
Since the suggested operations are illegal, our future stars have to go to the South of France where such things are understood, and new bio-technology is available. Mr. Vor Trekker has offered our pair an impressive medium-cost self-financing scheme, although his fees, expenses, and commission charges are rather high, and have to be paid upfront.
RETREAT, COUNSELLING AND CONFESSIONS
Another unique facility of the House of Panzerben.
George Shenston, and his assistant, Mavis Powell (middle, above) are in charge of all Pelican Rescue Duties. They have been joined recently by sister Margot Fontez (right, above) who came originally as a belief-casualty. She is a dropped-out professional shrink from Nottingham, and will no doubt have a lot to contribute. We do hope that this splendid trio will continue to run the Panzerben Rescue & Reform Scheme for UFO & Parnormal Unbelievers (environmental grant applied for). Margot Fontez will specialize in taking good care of our unique collection of fallen manic-depressive nail-biting po-faced pelicans, dazed and confused rationalists, and all those who suffer from exposure to deadly fundamentalist doll-radiation from the wide-screen Nikon, this being the only alien invasion that counts. The full story of this community-conscious unit will be told eventually in the Combat Diaries of 2004. 24-hour emergency service for Confessions from casualties from all the sceptical chapels is available. Camp beds are reserved for difficult moments of doubt about the Real. Cold Turkey isolation, hot cocoa and sick bowls are available free of charge for all crises of belief in Fact and “concrete evidence.” Special care facilities are available to treat the nightmares of garage-rationalists, boot-and-barn skeptics, and the fear of the over-educated, fallen left-liberals, and any other suchlike who come to the House of Panzerben for holistic relief. George and Mavis have now proved that they are strong enough to cope when crises of Belief occur and Magonians try to snatch back fallen pelicans, as Christians try to snatch back converts who have wandered into infamous "cults" and have to be replugged into the wide-screen Nikon immediately, as if it were a life-support machine. Our thanks and greetings go also to others too numerous to mention who pour in and out of the House of Panzerben seeking comfort, shelter, and what little treatment and advice is ours to offer. These faces cannot be shown due to many issues and considerations and mishaps extraordinary. These mainly involve Social Security, Probation officers, Social workers, the banks, the police, the judiciary, psychiatrists, the Law, alien abductors, Men in Black, the Security Services, and in certain cases Parents, film & TV producers and parents. Many of these young escapees are suffering from bad liberal burn from the everlasting idiot’s lantern, and conversations about gear boxes, DIY, sport, and something called the Economy. Unfortunately we have to hand back many of those who have made it successfully over the perimeter wire, if only to see living screens that offer better viewing and in most case at least, have no license fee. All live within a square mile of the Martyr's Memorial, Portobello Road, and only leave it on pain of death. Come night, and we all pull the beautiful devastation over us like a magical cloak of forgetting. Watch this space, and send your articles, books for review, cartoons, poems, ideas and letters to: colin@combat-diaries.co.uk the old address combat-diaries@thewhyfiles.co.uk will last for the next six weeks. The enquiries address is sharkley1@panzerben1.fsworld.co.uk
Colin Bennett’s books
Politics of the Imagination (the life, work, and Ideas of Charles Fort) given Anomalist Award for Best Biography, 2002. Foreword by John Keel.
Looking for Orthon (the life of George Adamski, UFO visionary extraordinary) “Bennett probes the innards of 20th century society with an intellectual and literary dexterity seldom encountered in popular works on UFOs.” Foreword by John Michell.
But just before we go, here’s a sample of what our beloved leaders have in store for us:
By DAVID WAHLBERG, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution [Take a CCLE survey about neuromarketing at: http://www.cognitiveliberty.org/neuro/neuromarketing_ajc.html] *************************************************** When Peter Graser underwent an MRI scan at Emory University, doctors weren't looking for disease. Instead, brain researchers flashed images -- Madonna, broccoli, sushi, a Ford truck, a golden retriever, Bill Clinton, Coca-Cola -- before the 37-year-old Marietta resident's eyes as he lay inside the coffin-like tube of the magnetic resonance imaging machine. The scientists discovered a biological clue to what drives consumers: Whenever Graser and a dozen other study volunteers saw a picture they particularly liked, their brains showed increased activity in the medial prefrontal cortex -- an area associated with preference, or sense of self.
>> Read More at: http://www.cognitiveliberty.org/topnews.html
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